Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
