i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
