He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
