If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
