I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
