He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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