ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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