I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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