Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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