I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I'm just crazy horny about you
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
