We named our party play list daddy issues
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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