There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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