Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
