I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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