he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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