I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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