no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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