Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize