Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just googled if crying burns calories
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
