I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
