It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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