The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
