so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
