Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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