I'm eating all of the evidence.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
