i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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