He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
