do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I want to fling myself into the sun
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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