he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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