not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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