There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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