Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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