I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
That's how pantless uber rides happen
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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