First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
