im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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