my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
