he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
