if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
