Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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