god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
