Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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