Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
