My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
