I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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