every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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