im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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