i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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