How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
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No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
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The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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