I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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