seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
