not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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