New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
