I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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