she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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