i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
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To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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