I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
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he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
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I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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