I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
