i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
