I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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