I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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