I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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