Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Randomize
